we're concentrated on falling apart

From one body to another are the different circumstances that somehow hold the same people. Your appearance might fool me but disregard your ignorance for a moment: you are nobody special. Is it painful carrying your head so high with so much weight bearing down? Act until you think and hope to feel. This city is wearing itself out on repeat.
I will plant my feet on this ground until I'm sunk in six feet too deep.

Trust. Why should I ever put any effort into giving it? I built my trust back up, solid, and it wears thinner with time. How is that even possible? It doesn't even matter how hard I work on keeping it up, how tightly I hold onto it.. certain individuals still manage to earn it and destroy it from the inside out.
Why must people insist on being beyond primitive? Act on instinct, on love, on purity, on truth.. take a little from each category and apply twice daily. How difficult can that be? How can you crumple this up and throw it away like it never existed?
Am. I. That. Fucking. Disposable... is all I really want to know.

Don't tell me I'm the only person you can trust, one of the only you can talk to, your best friend, that we're so alike and then, in a matter of minutes (if not SECONDS) completely erase me from your memory. How is that possible? Did I ever mean anything to you? Did I ever really make as big of an impact as you had me believe?
Or did you need an excuse to just leave? I don't need excuses, I don't need over exaggerated realities.. I need you. I need you to tell me to my face everything I have ever done wrong without trying to cover your ass.
I don't plan on rekindling this friendship. Ever. No. Even with a childish game of telephone version of an explanation .. no. Nothing.
The only thing I wish to have gotten out of this entire ridiculous scenario was a peace of mind.
You can royally go fuck yourself up the ass with your giant dildo now you piece of shit "best friend".
Go fall back into your old habits, go to the people you constantly talk shit about, live on with this mirror of a so-called fucking LIFE
Moving from place to place, placing emotional weight on people, creating your own happiness and sadness .. do you not realize that what you're building up around yourself has been crumbling since the day you started? Don't you realize that life outside of your walls exists? No, you don't. You will always be miserable because you refuse to stick your head out of the window once in a while and breathe in the air.
Go on, find comfort in those who have too many of their own problems to even care about your shit. I may have done it but now I understand why nobody else does.. go on.. fucking get raped in the ass by reality.
I hope it feels really fucking good.

I hope you enjoy your flat-lined lifestyle. All of the things you're "going to do". All of the things you've learned. Run around in your little circle until you've run yourself too deep. Beg for help, scream your fucking lungs out until words lose their meaning, until you're left with only your thoughts above you, and maybe then you will know how I feel. I hope you've placed trust in nothingness because that's all you will have left.
Until then, we aren't the same. We never will be.

go away, past. just.. go.

It's great when you realize your own happiness. Apparently I need proof for everything.
I've just looked over some older LiveJournal entries and realized how far I've come.
The things I did to myself and the things I let people do to me.. maaaan. I'm not blaming them, I'm blaming myself for putting myself through it. The amount of abuse I've taken from people and how much of that abuse I've turned onto myself. It's frightening I'm still alive, it really is.

And compared to how I've been since 2007, I can honestly say I have improved. I'm happier, things seem to be going much more smoother. Sure there's kinks to work out but I don't have all of those extra variables to worry about, at ALL.

I know we've had conversations over this, and now I understand why you feel the need to be there for me as much as you are. Even though you feel the need to tell me why every time we drink together, I actually get it now. I store these things away and forget the way I've felt, apparently I focus more on the now, but wow.

I'm so glad I've grown past that, I'm so glad I don't live with those people. The people they've become is much better than the people they were.

I need to stop reading this shit, it's scary.

seasons always shift too late

How many blogs does it take to ease my thoughts?
I feel like I have some explaining to do. Because I feel like people think I'm this depressing bubble just waiting to burst.
No.
I am who I am. And I am this way because of the way I think and the way I feel, because I think and feel more than is good for me (.. and just saying that makes me want to clarify that, for the record, it's society's fault I feel bad about thinking and feeling too much).
But the dark, depressing entries.. the conversations and debates and music.. it isn't just black and white. We are not either happy people or sad people. I hope we've evolved to more complex emotions since kindergarten.

I listen to the kind of music I do because it soothes me. I can sit here and relax and feel connected to people through music. I crave that connection, that understanding. Even if I have never or will never meet the people behind the words, it's settling listening to people reach in and pull out their insides and slap it onto paper. Just pure, raw emotion that I've come across and can ENJOY. That's right, enjoy. My music may be softer than yours but I get enjoyment out of it. I don't sit here and cry myself to sleep every night.
I sit inside my head with these make-believe friends of mine and we tell each other everything.

We can skip the entire transition of normal conversation to deep conversation, pass the judgment and questioning of trust. It's much simpler. I'm not interested in physical beings, just the mental ghosts they've left behind.

all i want for christmas is linear thought

Today is a copy of a copy. Fill it up any possible way, build me up only to feel the pressure. Is it possible to enjoy yourself while feeling under constant pressure? I'm not used to this time, this person.
I've forgotten what it feels like to be empty and have your days melt into an unrecognizable puddle of people and thoughts. I no longer float above my body, begging to be apart of it in any way. I am this body and I can finally move.
My joints aren't a bother, I no longer despise the connection of my limbs, the movement of my legs, the ungraceful turn of a corner. I can finally say that these thoughts have become almost insignificant.
Today is another day of figuring out whether I'm allowing progression or mentally dissipating.

whine whine whine !

I hate opening up this quickly to people. Letting my guard down isn't one of the easiest things to do but I somehow seemed to have just slipped right into it without even realizing it. Until after it's happened. And I don't know if it's a good idea.
Trusting people has always been a fault of mine and this doesn't make it any easier.
Then again, should I really be worried about something intangible? Everything points to yes but I'm going to pretend otherwise.

My anxiety is ranking up again. I don't know why or how.. but it is. I'm getting heart palpitations at the most random times, nervous sweats, shakiness, shortness of breath.. I just want it to be over. So badly. I might just cut my meds off completely and hope for the best.. but I know that that isn't a good idea. I don't like people knowing how weak I really am, because I feel like they can feed off of it. But I don't like being closed off from people. BAH.

My entire head is a mixture of two-faced opinions. I don't know how I do it, or how my mind can twist anything into being justifiable. I'm never sure about anything in my life, and I can't even be sure about that because I like to think I'm a solid enough person to know what I want in life. Realistically, I don't.

I need different drugs, but I'm too nervous to tell my doctor. Or my mom. Because of what they'll say. My mom already thinks I'm starting back at square one, that I'm immature as fuck, that I fucked my family up financially, that I'm doing things way below my skill level because I'm lazy and have zero determination.. bah.

I just can't have hope in a hopeless city. And everything, since I've come here, has been an excuse for me. Since I decided to stay, I've blamed my entire screwed up life on my past but.. it isn't true. I know that everything is my fault, when it comes down to it anything that goes wrong in your life is 99% of the time your own fault. It all depends on how much responsibility you're willing to take for it and how much you actually, truly, want to change things.
Honestly, I want my life to flip back right. I want to be back in school, I want to have my friends back, I want my determination back, my momentary happiness, my financial stability..

Everything is too unstable right now, and I'm depending on my parents again. Which I've wanted to avoid like the plague but.. gah.
I don't want life to happen. At all. I just want to do things, go places, learn whatever I want.. and not have to deal with reality. Sigh.

fuck. right. OFF.

I can't say it enough. I just.. can't. I feel as though my words hold no substance, my thoughts hold zero value, and my opinion is as important as a pile of shit.
Stop telling me what I am and am not ready for, what I should be doing, how my mind should be made up, what side I should be on.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MY MIND WORKS.
So please, PLEASE, stop trying to think for me. All of you. Just leave me the fuck alone. I can go on and write a completely ambiguous post about it but I'm laying it all out.

How many times can I tell you this? Stop trying to make some sort of perfect human being out of me. I know I was pure, and innocent, and whatever else.. but I'm not perfect. I can't be. This imperfection is what I live for. I live for my flaws, my mistakes, my so-called stupidity. I need to experience it, I do. I don't regret it.

Sure, I lost my virginity drunk off my ass. SO?! I'm 21. Twenty fucking one. I told you it didn't matter to me as much as it does to you, and it DOESNT. It matters, of course, for what it stands for but it just doesn't phase me like it phases you. I live for more than what is, I'm beyond this, this is my vessel. I'm merely a captain of my body, my mind is protected and it is what matters to me the most.

I am so beyond it, I can't even begin to explain it. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, at all, but before you pass judgment and tell me how to live, at least take a moment to consider the things you've done in your life and the things I haven't.

Ugh. Just.. I want everyone off my ass for maybe one day. I need a break. I need a fucking break before I start killing people.
Or worse.
Don't be the cause, you'll fucking regret it and I will make DAMN sure the guilt looms over you until you turn yourself inside out with regret.

we pass it off but it's all on us

Let's try word vomit.
I guess you wouldn't consider this "getting back into it" but I'm trying. Just started a painting for Brian for his birthday and I'm happy about it. I feel the artistic energy, regardless of the freedom I have with it, flowing through me. It's inspiring to just put a brush to canvas and move around and see colors that many people don't realize are there. I remember when I would walk around Toronto, black out until I got home because my mind would wander. I'd look at the shadows, shapes, colors, perspective.. EVERYTHING about anything and just analyze it, break it down into a painting and play with the idea in my mind. Rotate it and envision every possible idea I could come up with, with something as simple as a window pane, a streetlight, cyclist..

That is one of the few things I need to recapture this year, before the year changes on me again. I feel like life is counting down and I'm floating in between this meaningless space, away from myself. I need to capture my spirit again. Others may not notice it but I do, it's deeper than what I express. Painting is a way to get in touch with my mind, my freedom, because it's mine and no one elses. It's a permanent mark I can make, leave behind a trace, and regardless of subject matter, it means something to me... far more than anyone else can interpret.

I also need to regain my intelligence. I complain about grasping onto it while I watch it slip away from me. Books are another way for me to escape, to feel something greater, get into other peoples minds and merge my own thoughts with every word written. And it's a great way to pick my vocabulary back up. I feel like I've had to dumb myself down quite a bit, and I know I have, because intelligent conversations don't exist here. I need a challenge, things I don't know, someone to push my mental boundaries. Anyone. Rather than getting hammered to the bone with insults. I realize they aren't all to be taken to heart but, with the amount of mental floating I've been doing, I feel it's well deserved. If anything, it can only make me stronger and more driven. I will not let anything tear me down anymore, only I can make myself feel infinite.

And, lastly, music. It's a huge part of my life, spitting thoughts back into my face with beautiful composition. Just lying on my floor, absorbing every beat, strum, verse.. baahhh.
The three aforementioned things need to be brought back into my life. I need to be my own person again, cling onto myself.
I feel optimistic :).

i can't let you let me down

This summer has been crazy for me.
The number of people I've met and the number of things that have changed are countless. From spending weekends laying in 3ft grass and watching the stars, talking about life and love, setting fireworks off and running from cops, kissing people I shouldn't have, being awake all night and sleeping all day, music and acoustic guitars, liars and best friends, tanning on the road..
From the little to big things, they've all impacted me in some way.
I can only hope that what I've learned I'll take to heart. I've started charting my change and the progression of my self-awareness.

I've learned what it feels like to have people genuinely dislike me for a valid reason. I'm not used to it but I'm learning, and with that I've learned the value of "fuck you"'s.
I've become aware of the fact that I don't know everything, that I'm still "growing up", and that it's okay. Having my mind made up all the time leaves no room for improvement, no room for growth or any understanding of life and people and the capacity of human emotions. I'm striving to use the other 80% of my brain, it's been my life goal since day one.

And I'm actually dating someone right now. I don't care what the popular opinion is. I've always separated myself from people mentally, it's easier to relate that way. And, regardless of what they say, I do understand. I do. I've absorbed it, I understand it, and if it were anyone else then they would not be doing what I am, knowing what they may be getting themselves into. The difference between me and any sane person is that.. I do not care. I don't. It isn't that I don't care about myself, because I'm doing this for myself. Yes, i can date anyone else.. but right now, I don't want to. I love that we're polar opposites of each other.. it's so refreshing. If this ends in "I told you so"'s then I'd understand. I'm leaving well enough alone, I'm trying my hardest not to fight back or blow up in peoples faces. I cry my eyes out while they put me down, make me out to be the bad guy, and hurt me.
I'm not asking anyone to understand.. or accept it, or anything.
Just.. be.

On that note, I'm having a good time. :)

stomp them out like a lit cigarette

The battle between head and heart, which holds more substance and which will lead you to the truth? Which, if either, will truly lead you to happiness or a gateway to? What if they're telling you the same thing, but your gut, on the other hand, is turning itself inside out trying to decide?
I am Jack's unstable body.
What do I have to lose? Besides the obvious, but people don't seem to realize that it doesn't mean as much to me as it does to them. It's purely a thing, something I've never given that much thought to. My mind focuses on the intangible, something you can't physically touch or see or hear.. the fact that I could hold this over people's heads doesn't make me any different.
People need to realize that I am more than my virginity. I'm more than this physical being.. SO much more. And if you could just look past it.. and see me like you, then you'd realize why I feel the way I do. That if I make a mistake, it's because I'm human. And if I don't, then don't pray on the fact that it should be a mistake.. because that only makes every part of me much worse.

I took a drive tonight with myself, playing Stars and speeding down the express way faster than I should have. I had no destination, I followed my gut, turned wherever it felt right, went as fast as I felt I should, didn't stop where I should have.. and I was okay. Playing my cards with fate, hoping it was on my side.. and it was.
I may believe in nothing but I do believe in myself and the luck I choose to have, the happiness I allow myself to feel. I can only hope for others to do the same.
Have faith in me.

i am a moth who just wants to share your light

The audience rises but they do not clap. Mutual understanding, general consensus. It was not an act, not a show, but beyond it. The curtains close and the silence fills the auditorium. She wanted more, the sound of breathing, echoes, shuffling footsteps but they remained still, the buzzing of minds almost audible.
On the verge of panic, waiting for the push or release of emotions, a sigh of relief but it did not come.
This room is too warm for such cold, lifeless bodies.
It was like this yesterday, and it will be like this tomorrow. Hold your breath and conceal your thoughts, but do not clap. Never clap.
No signs of affection in an open room.

happy.

Here it is, the book of life. Your life. Your birth and death, your number growing while the realization of the countdown strikes you. The obstacles, the excruciating moments were merely tools used to create the one memory you'll want to remember; life, as a feeling of warmth. The battle between dying and realizing you're slowly going every day is non-existent because, truth is, it doesn't matter.
Here it is, distributed to the people you know and the people you may never know. Open it up and feel the weights lift, absorb life as a happy ending. Your life is worth as much as your death so use your imagination. This is your canvas.. if you want it to be.
We'll overlook all the right and wrong, interpreted in whichever way you may, because we know that there's only one thing that matters: the end. It won't remind you of the details, the things you may or may not have done, because there's so much more to living than resembling these shapes thrown at us. It's a book that strives to convince you that everything in life is trivial but it's okay. It'll dig deep, carve its way into the back of your head, pull it out, and slap it onto sheets upon sheets of paper for the world to see.
And then you'll no longer be special, you wont feel like you're carrying the world on your shoulders because no one told you otherwise.
You'll just.. be.. because you'll realize that life is what you make it, your emotions are malleable..

lies.

Today sucked so I dug a grave for the future. Here lies everything you could have had but didn't. This city has been overrun by people like you and it's about time we smile and nod and wait for their graves to fill. Liquid horror, metaphorical blood shed while we wonder what it was all for and realize how pointless it is to even wonder when these people haven't an ounce of life.
We could sell this, bottle it up and ship it across countries and oceans instead of filling up empty graves. Let it free in unknown lands and the deepest of seas, shed every ounce we have and just be. I'm tired of the guess work and these newly discovered eggshells that I don't even want to bother trying to walk on.
Once you're done, you're done. Until you decide to shed, I'll be waiting here to bury you.

brain puke

I'd appreciate some honesty once in a while.
Really, I don't understand how people can just sit there, pretend to care about you, and then lie to you. If you care about me, fucking tell me the truth.
It isn't fair, really. I've been told more times than I'd like to count in my life that I am naive and it's really getting to me now. I've been living so blindly, believing in the goodness of people and realizing that that isn't how life works, that you can't just be peachy keen all the time and expect others to follow because it just wont work.
That's probably why I'm so fucked up right now, so dead set on changing the world one emotion at a time, one care at a time, one fucking person at a time. For what? For suicide attempts and prescription pills and days that melt into one, sleepless nights?
I think I was more happier being miserable, more happier just wallowing deep inside myself and just being ALONE. All those nights I spent working, coming home and watching movies, not going out, not talking to anyone, looking like a fucking zombie.. those were MY days, MY comfort, and you can't even BEGIN to understand what goes on inside my head.

And for a couple of months, just a couple of fucking months I find some happiness, some innocence, and I feel carefree. I feel on top of the fucking world and I just want people to understand that it means so much to me, the fact that I haven't been happy in a very very very very VERY long time, the fact that Windsor has literally saved my life.

There's a reason I can't be with the people I was once before. You don't understand what it feels like to lock yourself up inside your room and try to bleed to fucking death, to hate yourself SO MUCH that you don't even want to exist anymore, to constantly fight with yourself and be driven by anxiety and constant fear and paranoia. Especially when your surroundings played a huge role in it.

Do you know why I keep busy every day? Because I can't stand to be alone with my head. I just can't fucking do it. I wait for these drugs to kick in and I feel like actually doing something, being somewhere, FEELING something greater than myself.
It's a constant battle, enjoying and despising the depression at the same time really tears you in two. Especially since it's been going on for almost 10 years.

I don't know, maybe I just can't stay in one place for too long. I'm okay now, I feel okay, I don't know what the point of this was even but I have a headache and a need to vent so here it is. I will leave well enough alone if you just tell me to, so I don't have to wonder what the hell I'm doing wrong.

I
wish
you
were
mine.

and you're not really sure what you're doing this for but you need something to fill up the days

I've found the line between good and bad, the white lie, an exception.
I feel no guilt towards it but wish circumstances were different. Although I'm indifferent to the situation, and wish that more had happened (yeah, who thought I'd be here?) I just never thought I'd be on this side.
Oh well, things happen, and what a certain person doesn't know can't hurt them.
Especially when that certain person has treated you like shit.
Good times :).

love you, bye

I'm glad my wish came true, if only for a brief moment. It's exactly what I needed and I can finally let go of you and finally stop obsessing because I know it wasn't me, it was you.
You're one less thing that keeps me from going back, and I'm glad this game of tug-o-war is getting a tad easier and someone's winning.
As much as I wish things had worked out differently, I'm taking what I can from this and running with it. Because I can only spend so much time wallowing in your sorrow and hoping I can save you.
You said we'd be there for each other until the day one of us died, no matter what, and that you'd never cut me out. That was a lie.
I'll always be here for you but we'll never be how we were before.
And that's finally okay.

quiet

let's just say (for the sake of sound)
and think for lack of a better word
and wait for all meaning
while we forget about truth
because you see
a layer of dust, leaves floating atop water
are forgotten upon layers and layers

an eye from soul to soul to soul
breaking through to disperse
hi! thanks, i mean it
blindly swimming down towards the bottom
and blindly realizing you're on your way up
you peeked, and you peaked, and you came up

an eye from soul to heart to heart
breathe it in and swallow
enjoy because you should
and should until you can't
while you forget about truth
and dive

i've become so..

Sometimes..
I seriously feel like I'm going to burst
at the seams
and all this love is going to 'splode EVERYWHERE.

It hurts to have a heart this big and have to hide more and more the older I get because it gets much, MUCH harder to trust people.
I've learned the hard way that laying everything out in the open isn't a good idea, because people absolutely, 100% (quote me on this) WILL. TAKE. ADVANTAGE. OF. YOU.
It's easy to take advantage of good people.

Bah.
Fuck it.
ALL.

'cause the telephone's out of cigarettes

You know what I miss?
Conversation.
Just for the sake of .. conversing.
Regardless of what the topic may be, I miss debates and random thoughts and someone telling me about their day in detail and reminding me of another story and so on. You know? Just links of conversation between people that doesn't involve workplace gossip (or otherwise) or celebrities or TV.
Something that holds weight and feels like it has depth even if, on the surface, it doesn't.
And something that isn't forced, comes naturally, and feels relieving to talk about.

I feel the urge to have an input and opinion on something, for my word to hold some sort of importance to someone unintentionally.
I'm just bored.

my blanket covers me

You were in my dream last night.
I was visiting the store and went to look for you.. but you ignored me and pretended like I wasn't there.
I said hi to everyone, hugged a few people, while you didn't even look at me.
So I left, slammed the door shut behind me.

The next thing I remember is asking for a ride home because I was so far away from home and you agreed but said you had to pick a few people up. We pulled up to the Eaton Center and two girls were waiting for you. That's when I said that it was okay, that you could just drop me off there and I was clearly upset.
And you didn't even look back when you said, "Okay, that's fine."

I got out and cried and started walking downhill, where the Eaton Center dipped into a beach and I fell over an edge.
I then tried to climb back up but I couldn't lift myself over it and I kept trying over and over again.
A few people came by and tried to show me how to climb the wall but I kept saying "I can't do it, I can't do it, I just can't".

And then I woke up.

TEEHEE

Okay, so I'll be grateful when I'm 40 and look like I'm 30 but for now.. I'd love it if someone over the age of 18 hit on me. F'real. Persistent little boys piss me off. Go find someone your own age to play with.

i'm comin' up only to hold you under

-insert manic Tyler Durden laughter-
hahahahAHAHAHahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

MAN.
Now that that's out of the way, let's move onto something more important.
Like, hey.. the rest of your life, for example. 
Switch went from 'bat-shit crazy' to just plain 'insane'. But since it's over "nothing", let's leave it where it is and move on, shall we?
It's caused more stress than anything that's as small of a deal as this is ever should. 

NOW.
This vacation has been absolutely grand so far. Even when I'm sitting around doing absolutely nothing, it feels great. I've re-learned the beauty that I seemed to have forgotten existed in this city, and feel like I've gone back in time just to re-live it the way I should have. Despite everything that's happened the past few months, I feel good. I feel like I can breathe again. And I don't feel stuck anymore. 
I'm afraid that once I go back to Toronto that all the bad will come rushing back and I'll be back at square one but.. I'm hoping for the best here :). 

And as okay as I feel now.. I'm ready for this year to end. 2009 has brought me way more than I signed up for, and my life's motto has always been to never regret anything, and I don't, but.. I feel as though I've been living in a movie stuck on fast forward and I'm the only one moving at a regular pace.
Maybe it's what I needed. We'll see. I'm just going to enjoy my last few weeks here while I can.