and you're not really sure what you're doing this for but you need something to fill up the days

I've found the line between good and bad, the white lie, an exception.
I feel no guilt towards it but wish circumstances were different. Although I'm indifferent to the situation, and wish that more had happened (yeah, who thought I'd be here?) I just never thought I'd be on this side.
Oh well, things happen, and what a certain person doesn't know can't hurt them.
Especially when that certain person has treated you like shit.
Good times :).

love you, bye

I'm glad my wish came true, if only for a brief moment. It's exactly what I needed and I can finally let go of you and finally stop obsessing because I know it wasn't me, it was you.
You're one less thing that keeps me from going back, and I'm glad this game of tug-o-war is getting a tad easier and someone's winning.
As much as I wish things had worked out differently, I'm taking what I can from this and running with it. Because I can only spend so much time wallowing in your sorrow and hoping I can save you.
You said we'd be there for each other until the day one of us died, no matter what, and that you'd never cut me out. That was a lie.
I'll always be here for you but we'll never be how we were before.
And that's finally okay.

quiet

let's just say (for the sake of sound)
and think for lack of a better word
and wait for all meaning
while we forget about truth
because you see
a layer of dust, leaves floating atop water
are forgotten upon layers and layers

an eye from soul to soul to soul
breaking through to disperse
hi! thanks, i mean it
blindly swimming down towards the bottom
and blindly realizing you're on your way up
you peeked, and you peaked, and you came up

an eye from soul to heart to heart
breathe it in and swallow
enjoy because you should
and should until you can't
while you forget about truth
and dive

i've become so..

Sometimes..
I seriously feel like I'm going to burst
at the seams
and all this love is going to 'splode EVERYWHERE.

It hurts to have a heart this big and have to hide more and more the older I get because it gets much, MUCH harder to trust people.
I've learned the hard way that laying everything out in the open isn't a good idea, because people absolutely, 100% (quote me on this) WILL. TAKE. ADVANTAGE. OF. YOU.
It's easy to take advantage of good people.

Bah.
Fuck it.
ALL.

'cause the telephone's out of cigarettes

You know what I miss?
Conversation.
Just for the sake of .. conversing.
Regardless of what the topic may be, I miss debates and random thoughts and someone telling me about their day in detail and reminding me of another story and so on. You know? Just links of conversation between people that doesn't involve workplace gossip (or otherwise) or celebrities or TV.
Something that holds weight and feels like it has depth even if, on the surface, it doesn't.
And something that isn't forced, comes naturally, and feels relieving to talk about.

I feel the urge to have an input and opinion on something, for my word to hold some sort of importance to someone unintentionally.
I'm just bored.

my blanket covers me

You were in my dream last night.
I was visiting the store and went to look for you.. but you ignored me and pretended like I wasn't there.
I said hi to everyone, hugged a few people, while you didn't even look at me.
So I left, slammed the door shut behind me.

The next thing I remember is asking for a ride home because I was so far away from home and you agreed but said you had to pick a few people up. We pulled up to the Eaton Center and two girls were waiting for you. That's when I said that it was okay, that you could just drop me off there and I was clearly upset.
And you didn't even look back when you said, "Okay, that's fine."

I got out and cried and started walking downhill, where the Eaton Center dipped into a beach and I fell over an edge.
I then tried to climb back up but I couldn't lift myself over it and I kept trying over and over again.
A few people came by and tried to show me how to climb the wall but I kept saying "I can't do it, I can't do it, I just can't".

And then I woke up.

TEEHEE

Okay, so I'll be grateful when I'm 40 and look like I'm 30 but for now.. I'd love it if someone over the age of 18 hit on me. F'real. Persistent little boys piss me off. Go find someone your own age to play with.

i'm comin' up only to hold you under

-insert manic Tyler Durden laughter-
hahahahAHAHAHahahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

MAN.
Now that that's out of the way, let's move onto something more important.
Like, hey.. the rest of your life, for example. 
Switch went from 'bat-shit crazy' to just plain 'insane'. But since it's over "nothing", let's leave it where it is and move on, shall we?
It's caused more stress than anything that's as small of a deal as this is ever should. 

NOW.
This vacation has been absolutely grand so far. Even when I'm sitting around doing absolutely nothing, it feels great. I've re-learned the beauty that I seemed to have forgotten existed in this city, and feel like I've gone back in time just to re-live it the way I should have. Despite everything that's happened the past few months, I feel good. I feel like I can breathe again. And I don't feel stuck anymore. 
I'm afraid that once I go back to Toronto that all the bad will come rushing back and I'll be back at square one but.. I'm hoping for the best here :). 

And as okay as I feel now.. I'm ready for this year to end. 2009 has brought me way more than I signed up for, and my life's motto has always been to never regret anything, and I don't, but.. I feel as though I've been living in a movie stuck on fast forward and I'm the only one moving at a regular pace.
Maybe it's what I needed. We'll see. I'm just going to enjoy my last few weeks here while I can.