Sleepless.

Thinking about lost ideas and ideas pouring from my heart from my mouth into yours into the pit of your stomach where thoughts congregate and turn to waste. What do you know? Play dumb and shake your head shaking loose the people the night the fights the common fucking sense you just cant seem to grasp. One drink two drink three drink. Play from start.

Unfair.

We express ourselves through song lyrics and screencaps; a collage of other peoples thoughts. Somebody else did or said something amazing and while we hide behind their emotions, we TRY to express our own through them without directly doing so. It doesn't make sense but it does. No one wants to be called out on it. "What's your status about?" 'It's just lyrics to a song."

Colour my life with the chaos of trouble.

The argument went in such a direction that I felt sick to my stomach. It was in knots as I tried to leave but you made me feel trapped in my own home. I suddenly became aware of the ceilings that once felt high but were now plotting against me. The only obstacle between me and the door was flesh and bone.. and that's all you were in that moment.

I felt nauseous.

The amount of hatred in that room was suffocating. The mis-communication and lack of understanding was almost laughable as words were shot in every direction with the intent to harm. I had to leave.

Drive. I don't know where, just drive. I'm upset and confused and every car on the dan road is against me. Why can't they just leave me alone? Is it a necessity to be driving so late at night? What is so god damn important? Are you blind?

Turn up the music. Everything is relatable. Crack a window and light a cigarette, relax. No one knows how you're feeling right now. No one can validate your emotions. Are they real? This time was different. Blind rage that was created from nothing that could be seen or heard.

I began to realize that amongst the misunderstanding I felt that I understood the most.

Sometimes I wish I didn't.

It's the most lonely feeling in the world.

You keep twisting the truth that keeps me thrown askew.

Your restlessness is making you lazy. Lazy in life and in love. It's interesting watching it all unravel, like a present inside a present. Just a few more boxes and we'll get to the real surprise, but what will it be? I'll be front row, center. Popcorn in lap, waiting for the premier while you recite line after line. I've decided to plant my feet on the ground because I seem to be getting carried away in certain aspects of my life. Sometimes just feeling grounded and safe is the best thing you can do for your mental health. I realized that I will never be the person I used to be, and certain events in my life will prevent me from ever going back, but I can look up to my past self. I used to believe that all people had good intentions, regardless of who they were, and I feel that I've preserved a small portion of that belief from the past but it will never be the same. Trying to pick up on personality traits and why people do the things they do has helped me in understanding the most fucked up situations but it's also prevented me from assuming the best in people. The most difficult thing to do is to really, truly keep an open mind. To put all personal emotions aside and logically see a situation for what it is in terms of facts and other peoples emotions and then provide conclusions or plausible outcomes from there. And at the same time, still be seen as an unbiased source. If that makes any sense.. if anyone reads this, really. Anyway, it's just an easy way to explain my thought process.. and my head has been a clusterfuck lately. In a lot of ways, I am where I want to be. The imperfections are what make life interesting, and they help me realize that I am and should be lucky to have a lot of things and be where I am. I live to better myself because if it wasn't for my self-criticism I'd be in a much worse state. The progress I've been making these past few years has made me proud and I'm looking forward to making a great future for myself, slowly but surely, and if that involves taking a step back more often than not then that is what I will do. No regrets.

I could not recall a more perfect fall.

I will never, ever, in my lifetime (most likely) understand the complexity and power of love. The incredible magnetic force that holds two people together, no matter what, is astonishing. It's beyond what you can be taught in a school or from your parents. And I'm still dealing with my first love. If he is my only, I cannot lie and say that I would regret it.. because I wouldn't.

The lengths that people will go to to ensure that the one they love is not let go is inspiring and I take it for granted so often. I can only hope that with the mistakes that not only I, but we together make that we will look back on this time in our life one day and say, "we are stronger today because of it".

I'm patiently waiting to find out what I've been accepted for for University. It feels like my last year of high school all over again but with a little less confidence and more determination. When applying for University at 18, I had zero doubts about getting into the programs I chose because they were art-related. I was confident with the portfolio interviews and talking to the professors and, lo-and-behold, I was a shoe-in.

It's so much more different this time. Academics are on the line. There are no interviews, no direct conversations with professors about your life goals and your skills and light-hearted jokes. It's all ink on paper, send it in the mail, here ya go.. I'm in a pile with hundreds of other students just like me and I have absolutely nothing about me that sticks out.

This is scary. I think, for the first time in my life, I'm thinking constructively as an adult about my future. I'm not blinded by the misconception that I'll be a famous artist doing it for myself, by myself. Right now, depending on the program I get accepted for, I'm going to have to work my butt off to get a reputable career.. and I just wish I was good enough to be more carefree and creative and out there with the rest of the artists doing what I love and what I am probably meant to do.

Sharing different heartbeats.

When it was over, all I could think about was how this entire notion of oneself, what we are, is just this logical structure, a place to momentarily house all the abstractions. It was a time to become conscious, to give form and coherence to the mystery, and I had been a part of that. It was a gift. Life was raging all around me and every moment was magical. I loved all the people, dealing with all the contradictory impulses - that's what I loved the most, connecting with the people. Looking back, that's all that really mattered.