Unfair.

We express ourselves through song lyrics and screencaps; a collage of other peoples thoughts. Somebody else did or said something amazing and while we hide behind their emotions, we TRY to express our own through them without directly doing so. It doesn't make sense but it does. No one wants to be called out on it. "What's your status about?" 'It's just lyrics to a song."

Colour my life with the chaos of trouble.

The argument went in such a direction that I felt sick to my stomach. It was in knots as I tried to leave but you made me feel trapped in my own home. I suddenly became aware of the ceilings that once felt high but were now plotting against me. The only obstacle between me and the door was flesh and bone.. and that's all you were in that moment.

I felt nauseous.

The amount of hatred in that room was suffocating. The mis-communication and lack of understanding was almost laughable as words were shot in every direction with the intent to harm. I had to leave.

Drive. I don't know where, just drive. I'm upset and confused and every car on the dan road is against me. Why can't they just leave me alone? Is it a necessity to be driving so late at night? What is so god damn important? Are you blind?

Turn up the music. Everything is relatable. Crack a window and light a cigarette, relax. No one knows how you're feeling right now. No one can validate your emotions. Are they real? This time was different. Blind rage that was created from nothing that could be seen or heard.

I began to realize that amongst the misunderstanding I felt that I understood the most.

Sometimes I wish I didn't.

It's the most lonely feeling in the world.

You keep twisting the truth that keeps me thrown askew.

Your restlessness is making you lazy. Lazy in life and in love. It's interesting watching it all unravel, like a present inside a present. Just a few more boxes and we'll get to the real surprise, but what will it be? I'll be front row, center. Popcorn in lap, waiting for the premier while you recite line after line. I've decided to plant my feet on the ground because I seem to be getting carried away in certain aspects of my life. Sometimes just feeling grounded and safe is the best thing you can do for your mental health. I realized that I will never be the person I used to be, and certain events in my life will prevent me from ever going back, but I can look up to my past self. I used to believe that all people had good intentions, regardless of who they were, and I feel that I've preserved a small portion of that belief from the past but it will never be the same. Trying to pick up on personality traits and why people do the things they do has helped me in understanding the most fucked up situations but it's also prevented me from assuming the best in people. The most difficult thing to do is to really, truly keep an open mind. To put all personal emotions aside and logically see a situation for what it is in terms of facts and other peoples emotions and then provide conclusions or plausible outcomes from there. And at the same time, still be seen as an unbiased source. If that makes any sense.. if anyone reads this, really. Anyway, it's just an easy way to explain my thought process.. and my head has been a clusterfuck lately. In a lot of ways, I am where I want to be. The imperfections are what make life interesting, and they help me realize that I am and should be lucky to have a lot of things and be where I am. I live to better myself because if it wasn't for my self-criticism I'd be in a much worse state. The progress I've been making these past few years has made me proud and I'm looking forward to making a great future for myself, slowly but surely, and if that involves taking a step back more often than not then that is what I will do. No regrets.

I could not recall a more perfect fall.

I will never, ever, in my lifetime (most likely) understand the complexity and power of love. The incredible magnetic force that holds two people together, no matter what, is astonishing. It's beyond what you can be taught in a school or from your parents. And I'm still dealing with my first love. If he is my only, I cannot lie and say that I would regret it.. because I wouldn't.

The lengths that people will go to to ensure that the one they love is not let go is inspiring and I take it for granted so often. I can only hope that with the mistakes that not only I, but we together make that we will look back on this time in our life one day and say, "we are stronger today because of it".

I'm patiently waiting to find out what I've been accepted for for University. It feels like my last year of high school all over again but with a little less confidence and more determination. When applying for University at 18, I had zero doubts about getting into the programs I chose because they were art-related. I was confident with the portfolio interviews and talking to the professors and, lo-and-behold, I was a shoe-in.

It's so much more different this time. Academics are on the line. There are no interviews, no direct conversations with professors about your life goals and your skills and light-hearted jokes. It's all ink on paper, send it in the mail, here ya go.. I'm in a pile with hundreds of other students just like me and I have absolutely nothing about me that sticks out.

This is scary. I think, for the first time in my life, I'm thinking constructively as an adult about my future. I'm not blinded by the misconception that I'll be a famous artist doing it for myself, by myself. Right now, depending on the program I get accepted for, I'm going to have to work my butt off to get a reputable career.. and I just wish I was good enough to be more carefree and creative and out there with the rest of the artists doing what I love and what I am probably meant to do.

Sharing different heartbeats.

When it was over, all I could think about was how this entire notion of oneself, what we are, is just this logical structure, a place to momentarily house all the abstractions. It was a time to become conscious, to give form and coherence to the mystery, and I had been a part of that. It was a gift. Life was raging all around me and every moment was magical. I loved all the people, dealing with all the contradictory impulses - that's what I loved the most, connecting with the people. Looking back, that's all that really mattered.

So mature.

If you walk away, I walk away.

What a bitter few days leading up to the glorious Valentine's Day. I remember the first Valentine's Day I had with my first boyfriend, who happened to be Kyle. He slept all day and I was heartbroken.
Last year was better, of course, people learn but.. otherwise, this whole spectacle surrounding this day just sets people up for disappointment. No matter how much you try not to care about it, it's almost shoved in your face.

I find going out for dinner leaves me feeling empty. Conversations were forced so we would just smile at each other or talk about our food or work. We just skimmed the surface and I still get blamed for 'never talking'. How hard is it to grasp the concept that a conversation starts off simple and can lead into something meaningful IF you have the capacity to think beyond what's happening in your life? It takes a little bit of imagination and.. that's it.

This year, a couple of weeks before Vday, I received a gift from him. A photo album of us and a mix cd. I thought of it as very thoughtful but at the same time, when I listened to that cd, and he told me he took my iPod to take some music off of it.. I realized how very little he knew about my music taste. He didn't know what my favourite songs were, my favourite bands weren't on there, it was a collection of outdated music and of what he thought I might enjoy. And I feel awful even picking it apart because I know he tried but after two years I think you should know the person you're with a little bit more than that.. especially if you asked them to marry you.

Everything we've been doing since I broke up with him has been so confusing. We would hang out and have fun and then I'd feel guilty even though I made it perfectly clear that we were not an item. He would still insist on making me dinner and sleeping over and I just couldn't say no because.. well, I was lonely. I realized how wrong and selfish that was tonight and cancelled dinner plans. What am I doing anyway? I can't keep him on the hook and expect him to be OK. I'm giving false signals and false hope and he thinks he's finally getting through to me.

At first I felt guilty about breaking up with him and now I just feel guilty for letting him believe there was any hope. I'm not in this emotionally and I'm hanging out with him for wrong and selfish reasons and that isn't what he deserves. I just want to focus on my life and ME for once, without having to synchronize my goals according to anyone else's life. And after all that is said and done, a few years down the road, I feel that I'll have a better idea of what I want. But until then, I need this time to focus on the foundations of life and love can wait.

On a positive note..

I'm excited to see what I got approved for for school. I'm trying not to think about how long it's going to take to get my life in order just to avoid being discouraged, so I'm taking this step by step. I hope everything goes smoothly and if it doesn't.. well, I've got back ups :).

I'm just trying to keep my head up and my mind straight and hopefully if I keep doing these positive things for myself, other things will surely follow.

What's so simple in the moonlight by the morning never is.

It's so easy to be certain of how you feel in the moment. It's like going for a run and you feel the rush of endorphins and you swear you'll keep running every night. But when that feeling fades and you wake up again, the motivation is lost.

I'm never sure of how I feel, I only say what I think I mean and hope that it'll stay true by the time I wake up. I just hope to grow into what I think is certain and I never do. I always feel like such a contradiction and that's why I need to be by myself right now. Some form of sureness needs to be reached because I'm sick of floating in uncertainty. And it isn't fair to anyone I'm with to be a part of that. Kyle deserves a sure thing and I don't know if I can be it.

A lot of these entries are from last year to two years ago..

but I refuse to delete them, regardless of how ridiculous some of the entries are.
It's laughable at what I thought made sense.. maybe to outsiders, but when I read them as myself I can still remember my thought process and why, exactly, those words made sense at the time.

Anyway, Kat recently inspired me to start this thing up again. Honestly, Tumblr just isn't cutting it. I feel like my personality gets lost in the reblogs of other peoples photos and words and I need something of my own again.

So here it is.. getting back into it. Let the thoughts flow as they may.. I guess.