Sharing different heartbeats.

When it was over, all I could think about was how this entire notion of oneself, what we are, is just this logical structure, a place to momentarily house all the abstractions. It was a time to become conscious, to give form and coherence to the mystery, and I had been a part of that. It was a gift. Life was raging all around me and every moment was magical. I loved all the people, dealing with all the contradictory impulses - that's what I loved the most, connecting with the people. Looking back, that's all that really mattered.

So mature.

If you walk away, I walk away.

What a bitter few days leading up to the glorious Valentine's Day. I remember the first Valentine's Day I had with my first boyfriend, who happened to be Kyle. He slept all day and I was heartbroken.
Last year was better, of course, people learn but.. otherwise, this whole spectacle surrounding this day just sets people up for disappointment. No matter how much you try not to care about it, it's almost shoved in your face.

I find going out for dinner leaves me feeling empty. Conversations were forced so we would just smile at each other or talk about our food or work. We just skimmed the surface and I still get blamed for 'never talking'. How hard is it to grasp the concept that a conversation starts off simple and can lead into something meaningful IF you have the capacity to think beyond what's happening in your life? It takes a little bit of imagination and.. that's it.

This year, a couple of weeks before Vday, I received a gift from him. A photo album of us and a mix cd. I thought of it as very thoughtful but at the same time, when I listened to that cd, and he told me he took my iPod to take some music off of it.. I realized how very little he knew about my music taste. He didn't know what my favourite songs were, my favourite bands weren't on there, it was a collection of outdated music and of what he thought I might enjoy. And I feel awful even picking it apart because I know he tried but after two years I think you should know the person you're with a little bit more than that.. especially if you asked them to marry you.

Everything we've been doing since I broke up with him has been so confusing. We would hang out and have fun and then I'd feel guilty even though I made it perfectly clear that we were not an item. He would still insist on making me dinner and sleeping over and I just couldn't say no because.. well, I was lonely. I realized how wrong and selfish that was tonight and cancelled dinner plans. What am I doing anyway? I can't keep him on the hook and expect him to be OK. I'm giving false signals and false hope and he thinks he's finally getting through to me.

At first I felt guilty about breaking up with him and now I just feel guilty for letting him believe there was any hope. I'm not in this emotionally and I'm hanging out with him for wrong and selfish reasons and that isn't what he deserves. I just want to focus on my life and ME for once, without having to synchronize my goals according to anyone else's life. And after all that is said and done, a few years down the road, I feel that I'll have a better idea of what I want. But until then, I need this time to focus on the foundations of life and love can wait.

On a positive note..

I'm excited to see what I got approved for for school. I'm trying not to think about how long it's going to take to get my life in order just to avoid being discouraged, so I'm taking this step by step. I hope everything goes smoothly and if it doesn't.. well, I've got back ups :).

I'm just trying to keep my head up and my mind straight and hopefully if I keep doing these positive things for myself, other things will surely follow.

What's so simple in the moonlight by the morning never is.

It's so easy to be certain of how you feel in the moment. It's like going for a run and you feel the rush of endorphins and you swear you'll keep running every night. But when that feeling fades and you wake up again, the motivation is lost.

I'm never sure of how I feel, I only say what I think I mean and hope that it'll stay true by the time I wake up. I just hope to grow into what I think is certain and I never do. I always feel like such a contradiction and that's why I need to be by myself right now. Some form of sureness needs to be reached because I'm sick of floating in uncertainty. And it isn't fair to anyone I'm with to be a part of that. Kyle deserves a sure thing and I don't know if I can be it.

A lot of these entries are from last year to two years ago..

but I refuse to delete them, regardless of how ridiculous some of the entries are.
It's laughable at what I thought made sense.. maybe to outsiders, but when I read them as myself I can still remember my thought process and why, exactly, those words made sense at the time.

Anyway, Kat recently inspired me to start this thing up again. Honestly, Tumblr just isn't cutting it. I feel like my personality gets lost in the reblogs of other peoples photos and words and I need something of my own again.

So here it is.. getting back into it. Let the thoughts flow as they may.. I guess.