ways to a heart

+ be open and honest with me
+ man up to your mistakes
+ make me laugh and smile
+ love me for me, for my past mistakes and the future ones i will make
+ compliments are a bonus
+ respect me to the fullest
+ cute gestures and spontaneity :)
+ do nice things just because
+ brag about me whenever he gets the chance
+ reassure me what you're here for
+ trust me and i'll trust you
+ give me your whole heart and not a smidgen less
+ talk to me about your day, your wishes, your dreams, your life, your thoughts.. just because you want to feel close and connected to me
+ take cute pictures with me, go on dates with me, hold my hand, and all those cute boyfriend-like things
+ encourage me to live to my fullest potential and nothing less
+ be comfortable around no matter WHAT
+ hold me tightly and tell me everything will be okay

i simply am not there

I'm going to go past the vague and ambiguous here and try to be straight forward for once.
I may complain a lot but it's because I'm looking for help, for something or someone to fix me. As time goes by I realize more and more that only I can do that myself. I hold myself responsible for my happiness and sadness but never go quite past that. I take my own blame and then use it against myself. I don't know how else to be.
Every year that comes to an end I feel a wave of relief and for every year that begins there's a sense of longing and imperfection. Another year that will drag on and somehow bring me down lower. I don't know how I got this way again but I just seem to be getting worse and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Nothing is helping and I'm sick of these highs and lows. I'm extremely unhappy all the time, unless distracted. It overpowers every other emotion 90% of the time. As innocuous as I may seem, I'm a danger to myself.
I don't know what happened to my optimism or why I'm always expecting some sort of fatality to come my way.
I've always been a walking talking contradiction but this is ridiculous.
I've become the epitome of a teenage drama series. Be careful what you wish for, right?

Higher doses don't help, they're only accompanied by lower lows. The lower my family thinks of me, the more helpless I feel. My self-image is distorted. Crumpled and thrown to the side. I try to fix things inside my mind and work things out but every time I'm about to try I'm told how much of a failure I am. And so I become it. I am what you tell me I am.. and I only become worse.

when your new eyes meet mine

"You never write about me like that."
As I showed him the abundance of entries concerning him, all of them which weren't viewed by him for the first time, I came to realize that the words I say are completely replaceable and, at the most, meaningless.
How depressing is it the number of times you have to show the person you love what's important to you before they understand? Name my favourite band.. and you couldn't. Music is beyond important to me. One year of what? Wasted memories?
I remember every detail and I just don't understand how every new memory, as insignificant as a sexual innuendo, can hold much more weight within your memory than the memories of your loved one.

The honest truth of how I feel is unappreciated. Petty arguments blow up into mounds of disgust and misinterpretation until you receive some sort of sexual favor from me and it's as if we never had these disagreements. Is that healthy?
I sit here and talk to you, I spill my heart and soul and the extent of your feedback is you grabbing my ass and telling me you're sleepy.
I'm afraid to sleep because of my intense paranoia and your comforting words are "go to sleep".

The comfort you've settled into has gone way too far. We may be in this together but I'd like some sort of sign that this is true rather than claiming it during a disagreement.
I'm jealous of the relationships the people around us have. Are you completely head over heels in love with me? Would you do anything and everything for me? Are you proud to point me out and say, "yes, that's my amazing girlfriend"?

I have done more for a close friend than I feel you have for me.

and now i just know where i stand

Just.. the abundance of feelings. The conversations. They were more than words but I didn't know how to express them. I kept up until I felt that i couldn't anymore. I could see them ahead of me, I could hear them but never felt like I could grasp them. The distance simply became too far and I eventually found myself with the echoes of my own thoughts once again. How does it happen so quick? I am the age i am and I don't know why that is. Time tables suggest its been x number of years but it sure doesnt feel that way. We had these dreams and ideals of what we thought it would be; life with or without this or that. It was wishful thinking, or failed projections or something but it sure as hell wasn't ideal. The silence just foreshadowed what was to come. It was done and oh we dreamed of life but.. it was just that.

outright anger. time to start kicking ass.

Compulsively lying your way through life and into others lives is really a quality I admire in you. To be so naive as to think that this new group of people will give two shits about you isn't surprising. You're lonely. Alone. So desperate in your attempts to gain some sort of affection, even if it is from an emotionally destroyed and completely vulnerable individual. Congratulations, we're all clapping and laughing. With you, I promise.
I'm such an awful friend for being depressed, I really am. I'm so sorry I cannot control my emotions, yet still manage to make an appearance for your birthday. Too bad it wasn't my birthday party because, obviously, I wanted to be the center of attention. All the time. It's why I always throw all of those amazing parties.

Rationalize this in your teaspoon serving of a brain: are you guilty because you're trying to get in her pants because of the history we all have with her? Are you saying I'm a bad friend because your conscience just cannot STAND the fact that you went ahead and told people I am no longer friends with about MY personal problems, MY personal choices, and THEN had the fucking nerve to twist my words around? And after all of that, claimed that I fucking did anything to hurt the person I love with all my heart? There's a word for people like you: Drama queens.

Eat your words, dick wad. Come clean with yourself before pointing out peoples faults and masking your own wrong doing.

I was a damn idiot for trusting you with anything in the first place, so maybe I deserve the backlash. The minute I try trusting people again something like this happens. We all make mistakes but I believe in the powers of the Universe. You'll get yours. I've gotten mine time and time again. Patience is a virtue, don't worry.

And for the record, no one gives a fuck that you're in the military. Seriously.

you're all i need

I constantly have this overwhelming fear that's emerged from nowhere, supposedly. Nowhere if you consider my philosophy of fresh beginnings but it's so hard to contain.
How many times have we seen that example: SWF is crazy, irrational, and full of empty suspicions. I have no proof, I have no reason to feel this way but for some reason I'm convinced I'm super human and have the ability to sense these things.
On my way to Irrational Road, corner of I Stalk You and Zero Trust? Fuck.
I blame hormones, these little pills we women have to take to avoid miniature copies of ourselves from walking the earth and eventually taking over our souls. No wonder we're all so wound up. The amount of chemicals we pump into our bodies, how can we expect to keep a perfect emotional balance?
Or maybe it's this self-doubt that's been driven into my mind. I have to be wrong, I'm thinking too extreme, too "obsessed". Who knows. One balances the other; fear and self doubt battle and eventually cancel out and, once the week's done, I'm back to where I started.. wherever that is.

a plain morning

I feel guilty 80% of my life. Most of the time it isn't directly related to the things I've done but things I've witness being done. If I had chosen a different way to word my thoughts or present myself or the way I choose to conduct my actions.. it's as if I could ultimately change the course of a destructive path, whether or not it was my intention or my (in)direct involvement.
Guilt consumes me when people around me are upset. When friendships get lost or diminish. When I'm caring about myself rather than someone else. I care so much but sometimes there has to be a limit to the extent of that care.
All I can do is shrug and hope for the best.
I'm overly critical of the way I treat people. I have a certain way I don't want to be but certain circumstances restrict that from happening. We all lose who we are form time to time, some more than others.
I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't please everyone.
I lose what makes me "me" and completely slip into this coma of self and overall doubt, insecurity, and hopelessness. It's these periods where I try to shun people away because I can't stand to be with myself, how could anyone else?
It's how I feel mentally that drives me to pick apart other peoples flaws in hopes of finding a reason as to why I'm not happy or could be happy at that point and time.
And then there's that cycle of doubt, blaming myself and blaming other people until there's no more blame to place and no more frustration to wring out. Then I'm okay, as if it never happened.
I hate it, I do.
I just hope there's some understanding in that for the mistakes I make.

:)

You make me so happy, don't ever doubt that.

childrens things

Who's the one friend you can't live without?
Where did they all go? I tried to go through a list of people and I couldn't come up with a single answer.
2009.
Here's reality. You're gone, she's gone, he's gone.
It really plays on my trust and every person now feels disposable and passing. How can I expect anyone to stick around for long?
Kyle's my best friend. My boyfriend. Usually people lose their friends because of their significant others but I lost mine for completely unrelated reasons. On days and nights like these, I would love to have someone to talk to and have fun with.
I'm afraid we'll get sick of each other far too quick because of the people we've lost in our lives. I realize it's made us stronger together, absolutely. But I feel like something is missing. Not within our relationship but within my life.

I may just not be meant to be too close to people.. or maybe that's how everyone is meant to be. We get so fixated on these forever-lasting friendships as children and into our teen years. But once age comes down on us, people change, people move, and your innocent view of everyone and everything slowly starts to whither away. It doesn't have anything to do with sadness but people eventually wear you down a little thin. Less and less effort starts being put into friendships. And all of that trust you've hidden you've put into your relationship with your significant other. Maybe that's the goodness that comes out of it? Maybe that's what makes love so strong.

As you grow older, you lose people. You become a couple and friends are shared. You get married and all of your friends are other married couples. Friends are pre-destined.

-------

I was incredibly sad the other night. I was laying down with Kyle and all of a sudden I couldn't feel anything but this wave of sadness. I couldn't tell you where it came from but it was indescribable. It was a different kind of sadness. Usually I like to spend time alone when I'm like that but I was glad to have him just be there. I didn't want to talk, and even if I did I didn't have anything to say.

I don't know why but I just felt the need to be sad. So I cried. I played some music and cried while he held me. I didn't feel guilt or regret or anything but just that simple emotion.
And maybe for the first time in my life I didn't feel completely helpless. It was calming, not alarming. I felt safe. And I felt okay.