+ be open and honest with me
+ man up to your mistakes
+ make me laugh and smile
+ love me for me, for my past mistakes and the future ones i will make
+ compliments are a bonus
+ respect me to the fullest
+ cute gestures and spontaneity :)
+ do nice things just because
+ brag about me whenever he gets the chance
+ reassure me what you're here for
+ trust me and i'll trust you
+ give me your whole heart and not a smidgen less
+ talk to me about your day, your wishes, your dreams, your life, your thoughts.. just because you want to feel close and connected to me
+ take cute pictures with me, go on dates with me, hold my hand, and all those cute boyfriend-like things
+ encourage me to live to my fullest potential and nothing less
+ be comfortable around no matter WHAT
+ hold me tightly and tell me everything will be okay
Monday, August 30, 2010
i simply am not there
I'm going to go past the vague and ambiguous here and try to be straight forward for once.
I may complain a lot but it's because I'm looking for help, for something or someone to fix me. As time goes by I realize more and more that only I can do that myself. I hold myself responsible for my happiness and sadness but never go quite past that. I take my own blame and then use it against myself. I don't know how else to be.
Every year that comes to an end I feel a wave of relief and for every year that begins there's a sense of longing and imperfection. Another year that will drag on and somehow bring me down lower. I don't know how I got this way again but I just seem to be getting worse and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Nothing is helping and I'm sick of these highs and lows. I'm extremely unhappy all the time, unless distracted. It overpowers every other emotion 90% of the time. As innocuous as I may seem, I'm a danger to myself.
I don't know what happened to my optimism or why I'm always expecting some sort of fatality to come my way.
I've always been a walking talking contradiction but this is ridiculous.
I've become the epitome of a teenage drama series. Be careful what you wish for, right?
Higher doses don't help, they're only accompanied by lower lows. The lower my family thinks of me, the more helpless I feel. My self-image is distorted. Crumpled and thrown to the side. I try to fix things inside my mind and work things out but every time I'm about to try I'm told how much of a failure I am. And so I become it. I am what you tell me I am.. and I only become worse.
I may complain a lot but it's because I'm looking for help, for something or someone to fix me. As time goes by I realize more and more that only I can do that myself. I hold myself responsible for my happiness and sadness but never go quite past that. I take my own blame and then use it against myself. I don't know how else to be.
Every year that comes to an end I feel a wave of relief and for every year that begins there's a sense of longing and imperfection. Another year that will drag on and somehow bring me down lower. I don't know how I got this way again but I just seem to be getting worse and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Nothing is helping and I'm sick of these highs and lows. I'm extremely unhappy all the time, unless distracted. It overpowers every other emotion 90% of the time. As innocuous as I may seem, I'm a danger to myself.
I don't know what happened to my optimism or why I'm always expecting some sort of fatality to come my way.
I've always been a walking talking contradiction but this is ridiculous.
I've become the epitome of a teenage drama series. Be careful what you wish for, right?
Higher doses don't help, they're only accompanied by lower lows. The lower my family thinks of me, the more helpless I feel. My self-image is distorted. Crumpled and thrown to the side. I try to fix things inside my mind and work things out but every time I'm about to try I'm told how much of a failure I am. And so I become it. I am what you tell me I am.. and I only become worse.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
when your new eyes meet mine
"You never write about me like that."
As I showed him the abundance of entries concerning him, all of them which weren't viewed by him for the first time, I came to realize that the words I say are completely replaceable and, at the most, meaningless.
How depressing is it the number of times you have to show the person you love what's important to you before they understand? Name my favourite band.. and you couldn't. Music is beyond important to me. One year of what? Wasted memories?
I remember every detail and I just don't understand how every new memory, as insignificant as a sexual innuendo, can hold much more weight within your memory than the memories of your loved one.
The honest truth of how I feel is unappreciated. Petty arguments blow up into mounds of disgust and misinterpretation until you receive some sort of sexual favor from me and it's as if we never had these disagreements. Is that healthy?
I sit here and talk to you, I spill my heart and soul and the extent of your feedback is you grabbing my ass and telling me you're sleepy.
I'm afraid to sleep because of my intense paranoia and your comforting words are "go to sleep".
The comfort you've settled into has gone way too far. We may be in this together but I'd like some sort of sign that this is true rather than claiming it during a disagreement.
I'm jealous of the relationships the people around us have. Are you completely head over heels in love with me? Would you do anything and everything for me? Are you proud to point me out and say, "yes, that's my amazing girlfriend"?
I have done more for a close friend than I feel you have for me.
As I showed him the abundance of entries concerning him, all of them which weren't viewed by him for the first time, I came to realize that the words I say are completely replaceable and, at the most, meaningless.
How depressing is it the number of times you have to show the person you love what's important to you before they understand? Name my favourite band.. and you couldn't. Music is beyond important to me. One year of what? Wasted memories?
I remember every detail and I just don't understand how every new memory, as insignificant as a sexual innuendo, can hold much more weight within your memory than the memories of your loved one.
The honest truth of how I feel is unappreciated. Petty arguments blow up into mounds of disgust and misinterpretation until you receive some sort of sexual favor from me and it's as if we never had these disagreements. Is that healthy?
I sit here and talk to you, I spill my heart and soul and the extent of your feedback is you grabbing my ass and telling me you're sleepy.
I'm afraid to sleep because of my intense paranoia and your comforting words are "go to sleep".
The comfort you've settled into has gone way too far. We may be in this together but I'd like some sort of sign that this is true rather than claiming it during a disagreement.
I'm jealous of the relationships the people around us have. Are you completely head over heels in love with me? Would you do anything and everything for me? Are you proud to point me out and say, "yes, that's my amazing girlfriend"?
I have done more for a close friend than I feel you have for me.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
and now i just know where i stand
Just.. the abundance of feelings. The conversations. They were more than words but I didn't know how to express them. I kept up until I felt that i couldn't anymore. I could see them ahead of me, I could hear them but never felt like I could grasp them. The distance simply became too far and I eventually found myself with the echoes of my own thoughts once again. How does it happen so quick?
I am the age i am and I don't know why that is. Time tables suggest its been x number of years but it sure doesnt feel that way.
We had these dreams and ideals of what we thought it would be; life with or without this or that. It was wishful thinking, or failed projections or something but it sure as hell wasn't ideal. The silence just foreshadowed what was to come. It was done and oh we dreamed of life but.. it was just that.
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