i simply am not there

I'm going to go past the vague and ambiguous here and try to be straight forward for once.
I may complain a lot but it's because I'm looking for help, for something or someone to fix me. As time goes by I realize more and more that only I can do that myself. I hold myself responsible for my happiness and sadness but never go quite past that. I take my own blame and then use it against myself. I don't know how else to be.
Every year that comes to an end I feel a wave of relief and for every year that begins there's a sense of longing and imperfection. Another year that will drag on and somehow bring me down lower. I don't know how I got this way again but I just seem to be getting worse and I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Nothing is helping and I'm sick of these highs and lows. I'm extremely unhappy all the time, unless distracted. It overpowers every other emotion 90% of the time. As innocuous as I may seem, I'm a danger to myself.
I don't know what happened to my optimism or why I'm always expecting some sort of fatality to come my way.
I've always been a walking talking contradiction but this is ridiculous.
I've become the epitome of a teenage drama series. Be careful what you wish for, right?

Higher doses don't help, they're only accompanied by lower lows. The lower my family thinks of me, the more helpless I feel. My self-image is distorted. Crumpled and thrown to the side. I try to fix things inside my mind and work things out but every time I'm about to try I'm told how much of a failure I am. And so I become it. I am what you tell me I am.. and I only become worse.