whine whine whine !

I hate opening up this quickly to people. Letting my guard down isn't one of the easiest things to do but I somehow seemed to have just slipped right into it without even realizing it. Until after it's happened. And I don't know if it's a good idea.
Trusting people has always been a fault of mine and this doesn't make it any easier.
Then again, should I really be worried about something intangible? Everything points to yes but I'm going to pretend otherwise.

My anxiety is ranking up again. I don't know why or how.. but it is. I'm getting heart palpitations at the most random times, nervous sweats, shakiness, shortness of breath.. I just want it to be over. So badly. I might just cut my meds off completely and hope for the best.. but I know that that isn't a good idea. I don't like people knowing how weak I really am, because I feel like they can feed off of it. But I don't like being closed off from people. BAH.

My entire head is a mixture of two-faced opinions. I don't know how I do it, or how my mind can twist anything into being justifiable. I'm never sure about anything in my life, and I can't even be sure about that because I like to think I'm a solid enough person to know what I want in life. Realistically, I don't.

I need different drugs, but I'm too nervous to tell my doctor. Or my mom. Because of what they'll say. My mom already thinks I'm starting back at square one, that I'm immature as fuck, that I fucked my family up financially, that I'm doing things way below my skill level because I'm lazy and have zero determination.. bah.

I just can't have hope in a hopeless city. And everything, since I've come here, has been an excuse for me. Since I decided to stay, I've blamed my entire screwed up life on my past but.. it isn't true. I know that everything is my fault, when it comes down to it anything that goes wrong in your life is 99% of the time your own fault. It all depends on how much responsibility you're willing to take for it and how much you actually, truly, want to change things.
Honestly, I want my life to flip back right. I want to be back in school, I want to have my friends back, I want my determination back, my momentary happiness, my financial stability..

Everything is too unstable right now, and I'm depending on my parents again. Which I've wanted to avoid like the plague but.. gah.
I don't want life to happen. At all. I just want to do things, go places, learn whatever I want.. and not have to deal with reality. Sigh.

fuck. right. OFF.

I can't say it enough. I just.. can't. I feel as though my words hold no substance, my thoughts hold zero value, and my opinion is as important as a pile of shit.
Stop telling me what I am and am not ready for, what I should be doing, how my mind should be made up, what side I should be on.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW MY MIND WORKS.
So please, PLEASE, stop trying to think for me. All of you. Just leave me the fuck alone. I can go on and write a completely ambiguous post about it but I'm laying it all out.

How many times can I tell you this? Stop trying to make some sort of perfect human being out of me. I know I was pure, and innocent, and whatever else.. but I'm not perfect. I can't be. This imperfection is what I live for. I live for my flaws, my mistakes, my so-called stupidity. I need to experience it, I do. I don't regret it.

Sure, I lost my virginity drunk off my ass. SO?! I'm 21. Twenty fucking one. I told you it didn't matter to me as much as it does to you, and it DOESNT. It matters, of course, for what it stands for but it just doesn't phase me like it phases you. I live for more than what is, I'm beyond this, this is my vessel. I'm merely a captain of my body, my mind is protected and it is what matters to me the most.

I am so beyond it, I can't even begin to explain it. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone, at all, but before you pass judgment and tell me how to live, at least take a moment to consider the things you've done in your life and the things I haven't.

Ugh. Just.. I want everyone off my ass for maybe one day. I need a break. I need a fucking break before I start killing people.
Or worse.
Don't be the cause, you'll fucking regret it and I will make DAMN sure the guilt looms over you until you turn yourself inside out with regret.

we pass it off but it's all on us

Let's try word vomit.
I guess you wouldn't consider this "getting back into it" but I'm trying. Just started a painting for Brian for his birthday and I'm happy about it. I feel the artistic energy, regardless of the freedom I have with it, flowing through me. It's inspiring to just put a brush to canvas and move around and see colors that many people don't realize are there. I remember when I would walk around Toronto, black out until I got home because my mind would wander. I'd look at the shadows, shapes, colors, perspective.. EVERYTHING about anything and just analyze it, break it down into a painting and play with the idea in my mind. Rotate it and envision every possible idea I could come up with, with something as simple as a window pane, a streetlight, cyclist..

That is one of the few things I need to recapture this year, before the year changes on me again. I feel like life is counting down and I'm floating in between this meaningless space, away from myself. I need to capture my spirit again. Others may not notice it but I do, it's deeper than what I express. Painting is a way to get in touch with my mind, my freedom, because it's mine and no one elses. It's a permanent mark I can make, leave behind a trace, and regardless of subject matter, it means something to me... far more than anyone else can interpret.

I also need to regain my intelligence. I complain about grasping onto it while I watch it slip away from me. Books are another way for me to escape, to feel something greater, get into other peoples minds and merge my own thoughts with every word written. And it's a great way to pick my vocabulary back up. I feel like I've had to dumb myself down quite a bit, and I know I have, because intelligent conversations don't exist here. I need a challenge, things I don't know, someone to push my mental boundaries. Anyone. Rather than getting hammered to the bone with insults. I realize they aren't all to be taken to heart but, with the amount of mental floating I've been doing, I feel it's well deserved. If anything, it can only make me stronger and more driven. I will not let anything tear me down anymore, only I can make myself feel infinite.

And, lastly, music. It's a huge part of my life, spitting thoughts back into my face with beautiful composition. Just lying on my floor, absorbing every beat, strum, verse.. baahhh.
The three aforementioned things need to be brought back into my life. I need to be my own person again, cling onto myself.
I feel optimistic :).

i can't let you let me down

This summer has been crazy for me.
The number of people I've met and the number of things that have changed are countless. From spending weekends laying in 3ft grass and watching the stars, talking about life and love, setting fireworks off and running from cops, kissing people I shouldn't have, being awake all night and sleeping all day, music and acoustic guitars, liars and best friends, tanning on the road..
From the little to big things, they've all impacted me in some way.
I can only hope that what I've learned I'll take to heart. I've started charting my change and the progression of my self-awareness.

I've learned what it feels like to have people genuinely dislike me for a valid reason. I'm not used to it but I'm learning, and with that I've learned the value of "fuck you"'s.
I've become aware of the fact that I don't know everything, that I'm still "growing up", and that it's okay. Having my mind made up all the time leaves no room for improvement, no room for growth or any understanding of life and people and the capacity of human emotions. I'm striving to use the other 80% of my brain, it's been my life goal since day one.

And I'm actually dating someone right now. I don't care what the popular opinion is. I've always separated myself from people mentally, it's easier to relate that way. And, regardless of what they say, I do understand. I do. I've absorbed it, I understand it, and if it were anyone else then they would not be doing what I am, knowing what they may be getting themselves into. The difference between me and any sane person is that.. I do not care. I don't. It isn't that I don't care about myself, because I'm doing this for myself. Yes, i can date anyone else.. but right now, I don't want to. I love that we're polar opposites of each other.. it's so refreshing. If this ends in "I told you so"'s then I'd understand. I'm leaving well enough alone, I'm trying my hardest not to fight back or blow up in peoples faces. I cry my eyes out while they put me down, make me out to be the bad guy, and hurt me.
I'm not asking anyone to understand.. or accept it, or anything.
Just.. be.

On that note, I'm having a good time. :)

stomp them out like a lit cigarette

The battle between head and heart, which holds more substance and which will lead you to the truth? Which, if either, will truly lead you to happiness or a gateway to? What if they're telling you the same thing, but your gut, on the other hand, is turning itself inside out trying to decide?
I am Jack's unstable body.
What do I have to lose? Besides the obvious, but people don't seem to realize that it doesn't mean as much to me as it does to them. It's purely a thing, something I've never given that much thought to. My mind focuses on the intangible, something you can't physically touch or see or hear.. the fact that I could hold this over people's heads doesn't make me any different.
People need to realize that I am more than my virginity. I'm more than this physical being.. SO much more. And if you could just look past it.. and see me like you, then you'd realize why I feel the way I do. That if I make a mistake, it's because I'm human. And if I don't, then don't pray on the fact that it should be a mistake.. because that only makes every part of me much worse.

I took a drive tonight with myself, playing Stars and speeding down the express way faster than I should have. I had no destination, I followed my gut, turned wherever it felt right, went as fast as I felt I should, didn't stop where I should have.. and I was okay. Playing my cards with fate, hoping it was on my side.. and it was.
I may believe in nothing but I do believe in myself and the luck I choose to have, the happiness I allow myself to feel. I can only hope for others to do the same.
Have faith in me.