we pass it off but it's all on us

Let's try word vomit.
I guess you wouldn't consider this "getting back into it" but I'm trying. Just started a painting for Brian for his birthday and I'm happy about it. I feel the artistic energy, regardless of the freedom I have with it, flowing through me. It's inspiring to just put a brush to canvas and move around and see colors that many people don't realize are there. I remember when I would walk around Toronto, black out until I got home because my mind would wander. I'd look at the shadows, shapes, colors, perspective.. EVERYTHING about anything and just analyze it, break it down into a painting and play with the idea in my mind. Rotate it and envision every possible idea I could come up with, with something as simple as a window pane, a streetlight, cyclist..

That is one of the few things I need to recapture this year, before the year changes on me again. I feel like life is counting down and I'm floating in between this meaningless space, away from myself. I need to capture my spirit again. Others may not notice it but I do, it's deeper than what I express. Painting is a way to get in touch with my mind, my freedom, because it's mine and no one elses. It's a permanent mark I can make, leave behind a trace, and regardless of subject matter, it means something to me... far more than anyone else can interpret.

I also need to regain my intelligence. I complain about grasping onto it while I watch it slip away from me. Books are another way for me to escape, to feel something greater, get into other peoples minds and merge my own thoughts with every word written. And it's a great way to pick my vocabulary back up. I feel like I've had to dumb myself down quite a bit, and I know I have, because intelligent conversations don't exist here. I need a challenge, things I don't know, someone to push my mental boundaries. Anyone. Rather than getting hammered to the bone with insults. I realize they aren't all to be taken to heart but, with the amount of mental floating I've been doing, I feel it's well deserved. If anything, it can only make me stronger and more driven. I will not let anything tear me down anymore, only I can make myself feel infinite.

And, lastly, music. It's a huge part of my life, spitting thoughts back into my face with beautiful composition. Just lying on my floor, absorbing every beat, strum, verse.. baahhh.
The three aforementioned things need to be brought back into my life. I need to be my own person again, cling onto myself.
I feel optimistic :).