whine whine whine !

I hate opening up this quickly to people. Letting my guard down isn't one of the easiest things to do but I somehow seemed to have just slipped right into it without even realizing it. Until after it's happened. And I don't know if it's a good idea.
Trusting people has always been a fault of mine and this doesn't make it any easier.
Then again, should I really be worried about something intangible? Everything points to yes but I'm going to pretend otherwise.

My anxiety is ranking up again. I don't know why or how.. but it is. I'm getting heart palpitations at the most random times, nervous sweats, shakiness, shortness of breath.. I just want it to be over. So badly. I might just cut my meds off completely and hope for the best.. but I know that that isn't a good idea. I don't like people knowing how weak I really am, because I feel like they can feed off of it. But I don't like being closed off from people. BAH.

My entire head is a mixture of two-faced opinions. I don't know how I do it, or how my mind can twist anything into being justifiable. I'm never sure about anything in my life, and I can't even be sure about that because I like to think I'm a solid enough person to know what I want in life. Realistically, I don't.

I need different drugs, but I'm too nervous to tell my doctor. Or my mom. Because of what they'll say. My mom already thinks I'm starting back at square one, that I'm immature as fuck, that I fucked my family up financially, that I'm doing things way below my skill level because I'm lazy and have zero determination.. bah.

I just can't have hope in a hopeless city. And everything, since I've come here, has been an excuse for me. Since I decided to stay, I've blamed my entire screwed up life on my past but.. it isn't true. I know that everything is my fault, when it comes down to it anything that goes wrong in your life is 99% of the time your own fault. It all depends on how much responsibility you're willing to take for it and how much you actually, truly, want to change things.
Honestly, I want my life to flip back right. I want to be back in school, I want to have my friends back, I want my determination back, my momentary happiness, my financial stability..

Everything is too unstable right now, and I'm depending on my parents again. Which I've wanted to avoid like the plague but.. gah.
I don't want life to happen. At all. I just want to do things, go places, learn whatever I want.. and not have to deal with reality. Sigh.